Hard up Saturday amateur football players forced to fuck for their new kit! Paul Shipley, manager of the Saturday league team Cocksfield United, was forced to make his team players join a sponsored fuck-n-wank-a-thon to raise funds to buy next season's strip. Shipley is in even more hot water today as the local Thai birds he had booked from the local red light area failed to turn up at the event. The lads, desperate for cash, put on what many locals are saying is their best show this year. Mickey Bradford, our resident sports expert, said "these horny fuckers didn't waste anything by banging their full balls into each others' hungry holes!"

Director: Jamie Carlyle